I know most of you just want updates on the girls but I have found this to be a good place to share our stories and what's on our heart. Lately, this has been on my mind and I wanted to share. I promise to get back to baby girl updates soon!
About 2 years ago Jesus began walking me on a painful but necessary path, the path of forgiveness. If you've walked it, you know how terribly difficult it can be. It brings up old wounds and requires that we let it go. It requires acknowledging those hurts and not letting them control us. I heard a speaker in church once say that "unforgiveness is like drinking poison and hoping the other person gets hurt". How true it is.
And so I began walking down that path, willing to let Jesus take control of my pain and hurt and anger. He held my hand, and at times wiped my tears and allowed me to let go. And in that process, He made me into a new person. I am not the same girl I used to be. In that process Jesus gently reminded me that I am no better than the murderer in prison, I am just not locked up because of my sin. Jesus took away my pride and judgement of others and gave me a deep sense of compassion and grace. How could I daily ask for forgiveness and grace for my own sins and not extend that to those around me?
I walked through all of this without ever even speaking to my bio-dad. It wasn't about him, it was about me. It was about the sin I allowed in my life, none of which my dad put there; I allowed it to come in and eat at my soul. I had to truely be willing to never hear him say, "I'm sorry". And now today, if he even tried to say he was sorry, I would hug him and tell him that I have forgotten. Of course I am human and there are some painful memories still there, but they don't hurt me anymore. They have no control over my life or me or the person that I am. Jesus came in, took the hurt and replaced it with love.
And so a year ago I wrote my dad a letter. I wrote it with no expectation that he would write back. But I do remember the card he sent me in the mail in response. I treasure that card as one of my greatest gifts. It had a picture of a heart that was broken and bleeding and in it he told me that is how he felt because of our broken relationship. I cried. And cried.
We have been writing letters for a year now and just a few weeks ago we spoke on the phone for the 2nd time in years. Instead of me hearing a voice that made me angry, I heard the voice I heard as a little girl. The voice that cared for me, took me camping, drove me to ice skating lessons at 5am and cheered me on.
Forgiveness is not a feeling, it's a choice. When you make the choice to forgive the feelings will follow, maybe not right away, maybe years away, but they will follow.
You might be thinking that this sounds like a fairytale ending and that these things don't happen to everyone. I promise you that they do. Maybe not in the way you wanted or the time you wanted and maybe not on this earth, but God makes all things new. Let go of your expectations of what it will look like. Let go of the outcome that you've imagined in your mind so many times. I promise you that God's outcome is better anyway.
We can't go back in time and change the events of the past but we can change the moments of the future. We can change the present and not allow this pain and suffering to control us anymore. If you have a broken relationship or a painful past, give it to Jesus. I promise He will hold your hand and walk you through. You may not be different tomorrow but you will be different. And it will be good.
John 10:10 "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full"
Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose"
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